at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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