Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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