I am midnight drunk by noon
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
