just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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