ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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