If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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