ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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