Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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