Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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