I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
