I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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