Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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