Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
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I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing