I want to have your abortion
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
