im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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