Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
