the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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