If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
