I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think my nap took me to another dimension
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
