I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
