The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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