How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
