so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Buhtt sex?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
