Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
