True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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