Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
