My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
