I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
