none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Moan for me like Helen Keller
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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