By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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