He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
