I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
