remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
