if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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