he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
