dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
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I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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