God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
