you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
