I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize