I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
