Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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