I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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