yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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