my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
