he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
