i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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