I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
