we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
