it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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