i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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