I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
