i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
