How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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