Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
