Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
