She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
