That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize