am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
