There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
