There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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