I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
