I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just had sex bonerless
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
